I’m alarmed. The Y chromosome is in trouble. I read recently that it could be that in as few as 100,000 years the Y chromosome will die out. You know what that means? You know who carries the Y chromosome? Me. And all the other males on earth. We carry the Y chromosome. We might be facing extinction. The rest of you all carry the X chromosome. You’re not in trouble. The problem is that the Y chromosome is losing its genes and the X is not. Originally, way, way back, both chromosomes had the same number of genes. As of this writing, the Y chromosome has 78 genes and the X has 0ver 800. That’s a loss of some 722 genes since we parted evolutionary ways with the rhesus monkey 25 million years ago. Or, if you prefer, I suppose, it’s a loss of 722 genes since Adam and Eve were plopped down here on earth, and that probably speeds up the whole timetable.
Why we’re losing our genes, I don’t know. It could be—and this is wild speculation—it could be that genes wear out and have to be replaced periodically. You X chromosomers have been replacing yours somehow and we haven’t. Typical us. Procrastinating. Priorities all wrong. We notice that we’re missing a few chromosomes and we think “What the hell, we’ve got 800 of them. What’s the big deal?” And then, before we know it 25 million years have gone by and we’re down to 78.
Now, I’m willing to bet that there are X chromosome carriers out there who are thinking “Woohoo. I can’t wait.” And, in some ways, I understand that. I can’t begin to guess what the world will be like without us in 100,000 years, or for that matter, what the world would be like with us in 100,000 years, but I can put together a quick picture of what the world would be like without us right now.
A lot different. The obvious: the president is a woman. So is the vice-president and so are all the members of the cabinet, the house, the senate, the secretaries of the Army, the Navy the… wait a minute. Would there be an army? What for? Surely you guys are not going to be engaging in war?
Ok, maybe the army is out. The Navy? Well the ships could be converted to peaceful uses. Cruises, an occasional Y Chromosome museum, things like that. Football is out, too, I think. I mean, I know some of you like to play it, but who’s going to watch? Probably only the guys on the bench. And that makes me think that there won’t be any more objection, as there is now from time to time, to referring to women as guys. It’s a perfectly good word and there won’t be any doubt about what it means.
Budweiser is in trouble. Miller, Miller Lite? Long gone. Jack Daniel’s? Jacqueline Daniel’s, maybe. Nascar? Gone. Indy 500? Gone. Who’s going to sing those songs about how we’re Americans and we’ll kick your ass if you don’t like it. Nobody. There will never be an empty toilet paper roll in any bathroom again. Toilet seats and lids will be down. No empty milk cartons in the refrigerator. There will probably be an occasional loud belch, but it’ll be news and there will be a story in the paper about it.
Nobody will ever say “Boys will be boys.” Nobody will ever walk up to a table of four women in a bar and say “Are you ladies here all by yourselves?” The crime rate will drop. And I know you X chromosomers are reading this and thinking “Boy, that doesn’t sound bad at all.” But you wouldn’t say that. You’d say “Girl, that doesn’t sound bad at all.” Because there’d be a whole new vocabulary. Homo Sapiens? That’s not what you’ll be. Homicide? Need a new name for that, not that it would happen all that often. Hominy grits? Feminy grits.
But maybe there wouldn’t be a whole new vocabulary. You’d just use the old one. Gleefully. With a hugely satisfying sense of irony. It belongs to you now. We Y chromosomers are just an evolutionary experiment that failed. Like the dinosaurs.
Exploring this matter a little further in my mind, though, I’ve just had the most disturbing thought of all. I’ve been assuming that it was our fault; it was us not being careful about our genes. Maybe that’s not it at all. I said at the beginning that we both had the same number of genes, but that you now have 800 and we’re down to 78. I started on the assumption that we both began with 800 and we Y chromosomers had lost or misplaced, or maybe worn out, 722 of ours while you still had all 800 of yours. That would mean we began with a total of 1600 genes. What if that’s wrong? What if it’s a zero sum game? What if there were only 878 genes to begin with? What if we had 439 genes and you had 439 genes? Have you been taking our genes and we didn’t realize it? Really? Would you do that? But maybe it’s even worse than that, maybe we’ve been giving them to you voluntarily.
I bet that’s it. I mean, sometimes you look so good and you smell so sweet I just can’t resist you. And then you take my hand and smile at me in that way you have and it makes me feel like I want to give you anything you want, and it doesn’t matter what it is: the shirt off my back; my jeans. My genes. I can’t help it; it’s, well… it’s genetic. Yup, all of a sudden your whole scheme is clear to me. Only 78 more genes to go. A little more smiling, a little more hand holding. Bye, genes.
But you know what? You’ll miss us.